This year was Break.

It wasn't so much of a break as a breaking down. I said no. I said “I'm done”. I walked away. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to.

This year has been filled with sweet new things; a son, kisses from my daughter, a wriggling, wagging tail to greet me when I come home, and freedom.

Because when you let go, there's freedom. When you realize that the robotic motions you've been going through haven't been doing anyone any favors, there's freedom. When you stop just trying to keep the peace, there's freedom. I had really started to believe that I was some sort of cursed fighter who would keep taking hits, but never get a punch in, and never get knocked out. This year, I stepped out of the ring.

So when I say break, I mean the breaking of a glass window when you throw a sledgehammer through it. The pieces fly and oh, it is devastating, it is chaos. But it's beautiful, and with the dark glass gone you can see what lays behind it.

Because all these other years I have been trying to keep the glass intact. Gluing it here, taping it there, hoping no one will see the cracks. Hoping the pressure will subside.

Seething at my little window because it doesn't keep the cold out anymore.

This year, the storms raged, inside and out. This year, the water and the snow and the sunlight kept pouring in, and I started to wonder what freedom would taste like. But all my life I'd been told that Eve had made that very mistake, and even if I was brave enough, wouldn't someone stop me if I tried?

This year I realized no one could send me back into my box anymore. This year I stopped trying to tape the pieces back together. This year I stood back and let it break.

And 2014? 2014 will be the year I clear out the rest of the pieces myself.

And I am breathless with anticipation.

Eyes wide open. Not holding back any more.

I'm free. Finally.

Beyond any doubt.

Assuredly. Beyond recall. Beyond shadow of doubt. Certainly. Completely. Conclusively. Convincingly. Decisively. Definitely. Determinately. Done with. Enduringly. For all time. For ever. For good. In conclusion.

Inescapably, Inexorably, Irrevocably; Once and for all.

Lastly. Permanently.

Past Regret.

Settled

With conviction.

 http://thesaurus.com/browse/finally